names on the cottage wall
Last summer, I told the lovely story of how my family came to Epworth in Michigan. But there is another side to that story-- a painful side, a side unflattering to myself.
From my youngest years, the Wagner family would all pack into my grandmother’s cottage. That was a lot of people. My aunts and uncles loved this place so much that they wanted their families to be here all summer. My parents didn’t. My father was 17 years old when the family first rented. He didn’t have the strong friendship ties or emotional bond, and my mother always felt like an outsider. My parents opted to bring my sister and myself up for a week or two in the summer and to spend the bulk of our summer months back home in Indianapolis.
However, my love for Epworth never wavered. In the 1960s Nana’s good friend and Epworth neighbor died and left Nana a second cottage. Nana gave one to my Aunt Martha and the other to my Uncle Bill. My mother said that my dad was never consulted about the bequest, but I’m sure he would have declined. Therefore, the only way that I could visit was to be invited to one of those other family cottages.
In the early 1980’s with one child, I would travel to Michigan with my folks. Aunt Martha was hospitable; but she had no grandchildren of her own yet, and her tolerance for kid mess had not yet evolved. When our second child arrived, it seemed wise not to impose upon Martha’s hospitality anymore, so we began renting cottages. Rentals were not easy to find. The first cottage I rented sat at a tilt, had leaks in the roof, poor electrical wiring and silverfish in the kitchen cabinets. I remember that first summer sitting on the porch of that rented cottage, feeling so resentful. All my other cousins had family cottages. Wasn’t I as much a grandchild of our Nana as all of them? Wasn’t my height registered on the cottage wall next to theirs? Yet each of my cousins had a place to come for as long as they wanted. Let me call it what it was: ENVY. I was envious. Tim Keller has said, “Envy is wanting somebody else’s life…instead of rejoicing in the good they have, you weep that you don’t have it… In envy we resent and begrudge them their lives.”
But here’s the redemptive work God did: as I wept and prayed about this, God reminded me that I had the resources to rent a cottage. As a renter I had no guarantee or control, but I did have control of my reaction. I could resent my lot or I could be grateful. I chose gratitude.
My envy was like a terrible, wasting disease. It gave me no pleasure, for as Joseph Epstein writes, “Envy is absolutely no fun at all, draining all joy from you from its very first moment.” God wanted me to deal with it before him. And when I did, he revealed his provision. More than a cottage, he provided gratitude and peace. Eventually I was able to purchase not only one, but two cottages, and provide a place for my parents to stay. Because once I was there all summer with their grandchildren, my parents wanted to be In Epworth too! And now Dave and I are able to provide each of our children with the luxury of never worrying if they’ll have a place to stay at Epworth.
Love, Liz
Photo with Aunt Martha measuring my first grandchild on the wall of Shorecliffe Cottage.
